Yes. A masturbator can be something two adult partners enjoy together, not just a solo item. It can fit into time focused on one partner while the other stays involved in a way they want, including simply watching. The important distinction is between choosing that role and feeling left out. Both people need to want the experience, and either can stop without having to justify it.

Research offers context, not a verdict on your relationship. A U.S. population-based survey published in 2009 surveyed 1,047 men aged 18–60 in April 2008; 44.8% reported lifetime vibrator use during solo or partnered sexual activity combined.[1] That figure is about vibrators, not masturbators, and does not tell us how many couples used a device together or whether either partner enjoyed it.

Feeling included

The worry may be less “Can we use this together?” than “Will there still be room for me?” A suggestion can sound like criticism even when it comes from curiosity. Name what is being proposed: something optional to explore together, not a test of how adventurous or satisfying either partner is.

• “I am curious, but I do not want to feel compared with it.”
• “I might enjoy being there, but I do not want a job to perform.”
• “I want to know that putting it away will not spoil the evening.”

A useful reply addresses that particular fear. For example: “If you feel left out, we can put it away and spend the rest of the time together without it.” Reassurance needs room for an actual change of plan.

Different ways to participate

Participation does not have to be equal or hands-on. Discuss whether the appeal is shared attention, taking turns being the focus, or watching by choice. None of those roles should become an obligation to help someone finish.

With an app-controlled masturbator, decide whether either person wants an app involved at all. Interest in connected gear is a separate choice from interest in a masturbator. Likewise, a combined prostate massager and cock ring is not interchangeable with a sleeve. Agreement to one kind of device does not include anal touch or another kind of toy.

A first-try conversation

Consider this hypothetical situation: one partner is curious; the other says, “I could watch, but I am worried I will feel useless.” Instead of assigning them a task, the curious partner asks whether watching sounds enjoyable in its own right. If the answer is no, there is no need to find another role just to make the experiment happen.

If both want to try, they could agree to check in with “Still comfortable?” Suppose the watching partner then says, “Actually, I feel left out.” The response could be, “Thanks for telling me. Let us put it away. Would you like some closeness, or a little space?” That is an example of responding to a feeling, not evidence that every couple will have the same experience.

Raising the idea

Choose a private, unhurried moment before anything starts. Avoid presenting the toy as a surprise that needs an immediate answer, or as a solution to a recent disappointment.

“I have been curious about including a masturbator when we spend time together. Would you want to talk about it? I do not want you to feel replaced, and I am fine leaving it as a no.”

Ask what sounds appealing or uncomfortable, then leave room for the answer. Research on sexual self-disclosure finds that partners share sexual information while retaining some privacy.[2] A pause is not permission to assume either interest or rejection; ask whether they would prefer time to think.

Agreeing on boundaries

Settle the details that could otherwise make one person feel trapped, watched, or responsible for the other's enjoyment.

These are relationship agreements, not instructions for using a device. There is no need to buy anything while either person is still deciding.

When hesitation appears

A quiet partner may be comfortable, distracted, or uneasy. Check rather than guessing. If they say they feel compared with the toy, pause instead of asking them to prove that the fear makes sense.

“We can stop here. You do not have to talk yourself into enjoying this for me.”

Repeated pressure, guilt, or threats used to obtain unwanted sexual activity can be sexual coercion.[3] The World Health Organization's sexual-health framework emphasizes respect and freedom from coercion, discrimination, and violence.[4] Do not turn “not tonight” into a standing request to reconsider. Ask whether the person wants the topic left alone.

Checking in afterward

A later conversation can make room for feelings that were hard to name at the time. Try one question rather than a scorecard: “Did you feel included, or was there a point when you felt on your own?” Listen before describing how well it went for you.

Someone can enjoy part of the experience and still not want another try. “Sometimes,” “not sure,” and “not again” are different answers; none needs to be defended. There is no requirement to record a decision or set a date for the next attempt.

Disliking shared toy use does not mean someone has a low sex drive. If low desire is a separate concern, the NHS lists several possible causes, including relationship problems, and advises speaking with a GP about help; relationship counselling is one listed option for relationship-related difficulties.[5] If saying no brings threats or fear, prioritize personal safety and seek private support rather than trying to resolve it through another toy experiment.

Keeping it solo

A masturbator can stay part of private time without joining couple time. A refusal to include it is not a verdict on the person who enjoys it.

“I am glad you told me what interests you. I do not want this in our shared time, but I am not asking you to feel ashamed of enjoying it privately.”

In a 2022 meta-analysis of 93 studies involving 38,499 people in current relationships, the quality of sexual communication was more strongly associated with relationship and sexual satisfaction than its frequency.[6] Those associations do not prove that a conversation or a device improves a particular relationship. For this decision, the answer is simpler: include it only if both people want the experience, and leave it out without punishment if either does not.