This relationship guide is published by LOCKINK, a retailer of adult products.

If your partner wants anal more than you do, you do not have to match their interest or try it to prove you care. Tell them whether your answer is no, not now, or interest in one specific activity. If you want it less often, say that too. A difference in preference does not by itself mean either of you is wrong; the important question is whether your partner respects your answer.

You might still want affection and sex with your partner while not wanting anal at all. You can talk about what you both enjoy, but you do not owe an alternative activity in exchange for saying no.

What the numbers can and cannot tell you

Britain’s Natsal-3 survey, published in 2013, interviewed 15,162 people aged 16–74 during 2010–2012. Among respondents with an opposite-sex partner in the previous year, 13.4% of men and 10.5% of women reported anal intercourse that year. The figures were 18.5% and 2.9% for men aged 16–24 and 65–74 respectively, and 17.0% and 3.6% for women in those age groups. These are older individual-level data about intercourse, not measurements of toy use, current preferences or how often couples disagree about anal. [1]

A study published in 2018 surveyed 255 mixed-sex new-parent couples. Greater desire discrepancy was associated with lower sexual, but not relationship, satisfaction for both partners. When desire matched, higher shared desire was associated with greater sexual and relationship satisfaction. Parents were less satisfied when mothers were the higher-desire partner than when fathers were. Those findings concern new parents and overall desire, not anal preferences, and do not establish that either partner’s level is the correct one. [2]

What your partner means by more

“More than I do” might mean your partner wants anal more frequently, wants a different activity, or wants something you never want. The European Society for Sexual Medicine’s 2020 position statement explains that desire differences can concern sexual activities and meanings, not just frequency. [3]

Ask what they mean before discussing a compromise: “Are you asking about frequency, a toy, or a particular activity?” Prostate stimulation and penetration are not mutually exclusive categories. Discuss the specific activity and whose participation it would involve; agreeing to talk is not agreeing to do it.

Those three lines are hypothetical examples. They are not a read on your partner.

What it feels like on each side of the gap

You might begin avoiding a kiss because you worry it will turn into another request. Your partner might hear “I do not want anal” as “I do not want you.” These are possible situations, not assumptions about your relationship. If either sounds familiar, name that concern directly: “I want to be close without wondering whether this will become a negotiation.”

A study published online in 2019 and collected in a 2020 journal issue used a probability-based postal survey of 2,695 partnered heterosexual adults aged 60–75 in Norway, Denmark, Belgium and Portugal. Its model linked greater perceived difference in sexual interest with lower sexual frequency and emotional closeness during sex, and lower sexual satisfaction. This supports an association, not a causal conclusion or a claim that someone has imagined the mismatch. The sample concerns older adults and overall sexual interest. [4]

In a 2024 qualitative study, interviews with 26 heterosexual and queer participants of varying gender identities explored distressing desire discrepancy in long-term relationships. Four themes concerned sexual and relationship satisfaction; changes in sexual frequency, desire and behaviour; changes in barriers to sex; and coping with discrepancy. These interviews describe experiences, not prevalence or proof that a particular coping method works. [5]

Is your reluctance specific to anal, or have you noticed a broader change? NHS lists possible reasons for low sex drive including relationship problems, stress, anxiety or depression, sexual problems such as erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness, pregnancy and menopause-related changes, medicines including antidepressants, and conditions such as diabetes or an underactive thyroid. Its advice is to see a GP if you are worried about your low sex drive. Declining one activity does not itself establish low libido. [6]

If it is true for you, reassurance can be specific: “I still enjoy being close to you. I do not want this activity.” You do not have to promise you will change your mind to soften the disappointment.

Does a desire gap mean something is wrong?

The ESSM statement recommends normalising variation in desire and paying attention to distress rather than treating one partner as defective. It also discusses balancing closeness with personal autonomy. These are opinion-based recommendations: the authors explain that the limited evidence did not permit grading recommendations against the Oxford evidence levels. [3]

A 2018 study analysed 30 days of desire diaries from 133 non-clinical couples (266 people). It found fluctuations at several frequencies, including once and twice a month, with fluctuations over three days or less unlikely; partners’ patterns were largely synchronous. These are sample-level patterns, not a timetable for when your interest should change. [7]

A 2021 study of 229 same-sex/gender and mixed-sex/gender couples used a 35-day diary and a 12-month survey. Desire discrepancy predicted next-day sexual distress and distress 12 months later; reverse associations were not statistically significant. Couple type did not significantly moderate the associations. This longitudinal evidence concerns overall desire, not whether anyone should agree to anal. [8]

How to say no to anal play

Consent must be voluntary, specific and ongoing. Silence, passivity or lack of resistance is not agreement. A yes to one activity does not cover another, and either person can withdraw consent through understandable words or actions. [9]

The U.S. Office on Women's Health puts it bluntly:

"Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way," and "no person is ever required to have sex with someone else" [10].

Repeated requests that wear someone down are one form of coercion; threats, deception and other nonphysical pressure also count. Repetition is not a requirement, and a follow-up question is not automatically harmless just because it happens once. [10] If your concern is whether you can refuse freely, the question overlaps with whether a partner is dominant or controlling.

Why you might hesitate

You may be unsure because you are curious, afraid of discomfort, uninterested, or worried about disappointing your partner. Those are different reasons. Ask yourself: “If they were genuinely fine with no, would I still want to explore this?” You do not need to produce a persuasive explanation for your answer.

If the problem is recurring requests, a boundary can cover the conversation too: “Please stop asking. If I want to revisit it, I will bring it up.” That avoids making “not now” sound like a countdown to a future yes.

Pain or bleeding deserves attention rather than being treated as something to endure for a partner. NHS describes an anal fissure as a small tear that can cause pain when passing stool; it often improves on its own. For suspected fissure symptoms, it advises seeing a GP if they worsen or have not improved after 7 days of self-care. That advice is not a diagnosis of every episode of anal pain or bleeding. [11]

If you both decide to try

If both of you genuinely want to explore, agree what the invitation includes and excludes. ESSM encourages couples to broaden their understanding of pleasurable activities rather than focus only on intercourse or frequency. [3]

• Which acts are in, and which are out.
• How far you want to go, and what would make you stop.
• Either of you can pause it at any moment.
• A pause needs no justification, and it is not a promise to resume later.

Even choosing a product together is not consent to use it. A listing such as LOCKINK’s Woodpecker prostate massager and anal plug can help identify what your partner means, but its description cannot establish what you will enjoy. No firsthand product-testing evidence is offered here. If a toy raises a separate fear of being replaced, that is the relationship concern explored in Why Is My Boyfriend Threatened by My Vibrator?

NHS sexual-health guidance describes higher STI transmission risk for anal intercourse than vaginal intercourse, noting that rectal tissue is vulnerable to damage and does not provide sufficient natural lubrication for penetration. It also advises changing barriers between uses and partners. This comparison is about intercourse, not every activity described as “anal play.” [12] NHS sexual-health services advise condoms and plenty of lubricant for anal sex. [13] CDC advises a new condom for each act and water-based lubricant; oil-based products can weaken latex. Correct condom use reduces, but does not eliminate, infection risk. [14]

If anal play is not for you

If anal is off the table, say so without leaving an opening you do not mean: “This is not something I want in our sex life.” You can ask what your partner values about it without undertaking to provide it.

Disappointment and respect can coexist. Your partner can feel disappointed and still stop asking. If you would enjoy another kind of closeness, suggest it freely; affection is not compensation you owe for a refusal.

If the mismatch remains distressing, a qualified sex therapist or relationship counsellor may help you discuss needs and compatibility. ESSM recommends addressing communication and relationship needs rather than locating the problem solely in one partner. [3] Counselling need not have agreement to anal as its goal. If you feel threatened or unsafe, seek individual support rather than trying to negotiate under pressure.

What couples do when interest levels differ

In a 2020 study, 229 people in long-term relationships described 17 strategies for desire differences. Partner-involving strategies were associated with greater sexual and relationship satisfaction than individual strategies. Researchers could categorise 149 responses about helpfulness: 73 (49.0%) were very helpful, 51 (34.2%) at least somewhat helpful and 25 (16.8%) not helpful. These are self-reported experiences, not treatment success rates. [15]

The study’s “had sex anyway” category is descriptive, not advice to override a no. These results concern sex generally, not unwanted anal activity. The table reproduces the reported helpfulness percentages. [15]

The paper does not give the subgroup counts alongside this breakdown. Its cross-sectional, individual self-reports cannot show that one strategy caused better outcomes or tell you which choice is right for your relationship. [15]

Questions couples ask about this

Do I have to try anal play once to get it over with?

No. You do not need a trial to justify your preference. If you do freely choose to try, you may stop or decide against repeating it; consent remains specific and ongoing. [9]

Does wanting less anal play mean something is wrong with me?

Not by itself. Not wanting one activity does not establish a disorder or a lack of attraction. If you are concerned about a wider change in desire, that is a separate question worth discussing with a healthcare professional. [6]

What if I am the one who wants more?

You can express a preference without making it a test of love. After a no, try: “Thank you for telling me. I am disappointed, but I will not keep asking.” If the difference feels important to your long-term compatibility, discuss that honestly outside a sexual encounter, without using a threat of leaving to obtain agreement.

What if my partner takes my no personally?

Ask what they heard rather than assuming: “Did that feel like I was rejecting you?” If you still feel attracted to them, say so. You can acknowledge their hurt without debating the boundary. If your feelings about the relationship have also changed, avoid reassurance that is not true.

How do I talk about it without it turning into a fight?

Choose a calm, private time outside a sexual encounter. For example: “I want to talk about the requests for anal. I feel tense because I am expecting to be asked again. My answer is no, and I want us to enjoy being close without that expectation.” This is suggested wording, not a promise that careful phrasing will prevent an argument. Their response is their responsibility too.

What this guide draws on

This is a source-based relationship guide, not a personal account of trying anal or a clinical consultation. Reading the research reveals an important limit: studies of overall desire cannot tell you whether you should want a particular activity. The older-adult survey and qualitative interview study discussed above are represented through their published abstracts, not a claim to have reviewed their full methods. The example conversations are hypothetical; no client stories or product-testing experiences are presented.

Where that leaves you

You do not need identical preferences to treat each other well. You do need room for an honest answer. A useful next step is one clear conversation about what you want, what you do not want, and whether your partner can respect that without expecting you to change.